Oliver has come home from work and is romping on the floor with Lucas and Nikita. He notices that Paloma is quiet in the kitchen, preparing dinner. Oliver decides to give his wife some attention.
Oliver: How was your day, Paloma?
Paloma: Fine, but using the word in a way that means anything but.
Oliver: So how was it really?
Paloma: Not now, I'm concentrating on preparing dinner.
Oliver rubs her shoulder and retreats to the living room.
Dinner conversation is limited, except for Oliver occasionally chatting with Lucas and Nikita. Later, the children go to bed, leaving Oliver and Paloma alone. Oliver sits close to Paloma in the living room and treads warily.
Oliver: Anything you want to talk about? There is a pause as Paloma looks down.
Paloma: I visited my parents today. Mum started having her usual digs about my relying too much on prepared foods and products rather than doing everything from scratch. Then I raised that they never understood me.
Oliver: Oh, it sounds like tempers were starting to fray.
Paloma: I said it wasn't easy having a man come into the family and taking my dad's place. Mum said my sister didn't have a problem, so I should have accepted it and that I was the problem, not them.
Oliver: Oh dear.
Paloma: I got up and left. They have no sympathy for how hard it was for me. My sister was younger than me so it was easier for her to adjust. Besides, she has always been more placid. I hate it when they compare us.
Oliver: I'm sure you'll be able to patch things up.
Paloma hardens her tone: I'm done. The underlying tension between us, the digs, the blame, I can't deal with it anymore.
Oliver puts his hand on Paloma's knee: Do you want me to talk to them and express to them how hurt you are?
Paloma: I appreciate the offer but no, they've cooked their goose this time.
They head off to bed, Oliver knowing it will blow over like it has all the other times.
A few days later, Oliver takes a call from his mother in law, Sue.
Sue: I want to talk to you Oliver. Paloma is being silly. She isn't visiting and says she won't be letting us see the grandchildren.
Oliver: I knew things weren't great between you, but I didn't realise it had gone that far. I'll have a chat with her.
Sue: I would appreciate that, as it isn't fair to cut us off from Lucas and Nikita.
Oliver later sits alone and reflects. He feels that if there are generational issues, the parents should be quick to take the initiative to make peace.
Paloma: I visited my parents today. Mum started having her usual digs about my relying too much on prepared foods and products rather than doing everything from scratch. Then I raised that they never understood me.
Oliver: Oh, it sounds like tempers were starting to fray.
Paloma: I said it wasn't easy having a man come into the family and taking my dad's place. Mum said my sister didn't have a problem, so I should have accepted it and that I was the problem, not them.
Oliver: Oh dear.
Paloma: I got up and left. They have no sympathy for how hard it was for me. My sister was younger than me so it was easier for her to adjust. Besides, she has always been more placid. I hate it when they compare us.
Oliver: I'm sure you'll be able to patch things up.
Paloma hardens her tone: I'm done. The underlying tension between us, the digs, the blame, I can't deal with it anymore.
Oliver puts his hand on Paloma's knee: Do you want me to talk to them and express to them how hurt you are?
Paloma: I appreciate the offer but no, they've cooked their goose this time.
They head off to bed, Oliver knowing it will blow over like it has all the other times.
A few days later, Oliver takes a call from his mother in law, Sue.
Sue: I want to talk to you Oliver. Paloma is being silly. She isn't visiting and says she won't be letting us see the grandchildren.
Oliver: I knew things weren't great between you, but I didn't realise it had gone that far. I'll have a chat with her.
Sue: I would appreciate that, as it isn't fair to cut us off from Lucas and Nikita.
Paloma comes home later after a shopping expedition with the kids. Oliver bides his time and when it's just the two of them up, he walks into the kitchen, where Paloma is tidying the pantry.
Oliver: I had a call from your mum.
Paloma: Oh really? I'm sure she had something wonderful to complain about.
Oliver: She mentioned that she's worried you're blocking her and Ian from seeing the children.
Paloma: Blocking her? If she wants to see the grandchildren, she can learn how to treat their mother with some basic respect.
Oliver: I understand where you're coming from, but is it fair for the children?
Paloma: It's more unfair to raise them thinking that treating people poorly is acceptable just because you're older. I want them to see me as a woman who has boundaries, not a doormat.
Oliver: I had a call from your mum.
Paloma: Oh really? I'm sure she had something wonderful to complain about.
Oliver: She mentioned that she's worried you're blocking her and Ian from seeing the children.
Paloma: Blocking her? If she wants to see the grandchildren, she can learn how to treat their mother with some basic respect.
Oliver: I understand where you're coming from, but is it fair for the children?
Paloma: It's more unfair to raise them thinking that treating people poorly is acceptable just because you're older. I want them to see me as a woman who has boundaries, not a doormat.
Oliver: Let's sit and talk. Paloma is het up and sits in the lounge with an upset countenance. Oliver puts his hand on Paloma's back to reassure her and he continues speaking. As you know, my family emigrated when I was a toddler. Such was the distance and cost of travel back then, I never saw my grandparents again. I didn't even have a recollection of them. I recall my parents expressing grief as their parents progressively passed away, but I didn't feel anything. They were just names and people in photographs.
Paloma: What's that got to do with this situation?
Oliver: Whenever I see the close bond between grandparents and grandchildren, I think about how I missed out on that. I don't want our children to miss out on that special bond between grandparents and grandchildren when they don't have to.
Paloma: My mother is a wonderful grandmother, but she is a terrible mother. I can't bridge that gap while she still thinks I am a problem to be solved.
Oliver: What if I go to Ian and Sue and tell them how they make you feel?
Paloma: They need to stop belittling me.
Oliver: Fixing your problem with your mum won't necessarily be instant and it may never be fully resolved. However, Lucas and Nikita do not have a problem with your parents, and they shouldn't be dragged into it. It's a problem between you and your mum.
Paloma: I'm not taking Lucas and Nikita there.
Oliver: Then I will.
Paloma: The children don't deserve to see the way my parents treat me. Why are you taking my parents' side?
Oliver: Whenever I see the close bond between grandparents and grandchildren, I think about how I missed out on that. I don't want our children to miss out on that special bond between grandparents and grandchildren when they don't have to.
Paloma: My mother is a wonderful grandmother, but she is a terrible mother. I can't bridge that gap while she still thinks I am a problem to be solved.
Oliver: What if I go to Ian and Sue and tell them how they make you feel?
Paloma: They need to stop belittling me.
Oliver: Fixing your problem with your mum won't necessarily be instant and it may never be fully resolved. However, Lucas and Nikita do not have a problem with your parents, and they shouldn't be dragged into it. It's a problem between you and your mum.
Paloma: I'm not taking Lucas and Nikita there.
Oliver: Then I will.
Paloma: The children don't deserve to see the way my parents treat me. Why are you taking my parents' side?
Oliver: I'm not taking their side, I'm taking the children's side. Lucas and Nikita deserve to have the love of their grandparents. I'll take them tomorrow and I will talk to Sue, explaining that this needs to be sorted.
Paloma: I don't agree, but I can see you're in that determined mood. All I can say is good luck convincing them of anything.
Paloma: I don't agree, but I can see you're in that determined mood. All I can say is good luck convincing them of anything.
Oliver takes Lucas and Nikita over and while Ian entertains them, Oliver asks to speak with Sue privately.
Oliver: The children are only here because of my insistence. However, I understand Paloma's feelings. She struggled with a step dad and because her sister coped better with that, you put all the blame on her. Sue goes to respond. Let me finish, please. This whole situation could be put to bed if you would acknowledge that, as a young person, Paloma felt resentment and didn't understand your need to find a husband. Apologise to her for not showing more insight and not trying harder to accommodate her resentment. True, Paloma may have still rejected Ian, but I think you were too dismissive of Paloma at the time. Apologise, please!
Sue: She was difficult and got into all sorts of trouble. Then she left home and led a life that was nothing like the one we brought her up to live. It meant shame on our family.
Oliver: I know all of this and accepted her past when I met her. She is now a fine wife and mother, despite her not making everything from scratch as you so adroitly point out.
Sue: Well, I'll talk to Ian about what you've said.
Oliver: Thank you. And be assured that Lucas and Nikita are not and never will be bargaining chips. That will make any apology you make genuine, not extracted.
Oliver and Sue hug and after a couple of hours, the Rogers trio return home. Oliver explains to Paloma what transpired and she looks at Oliver as if to say, "Good luck with that outcome".
Oliver: The children are only here because of my insistence. However, I understand Paloma's feelings. She struggled with a step dad and because her sister coped better with that, you put all the blame on her. Sue goes to respond. Let me finish, please. This whole situation could be put to bed if you would acknowledge that, as a young person, Paloma felt resentment and didn't understand your need to find a husband. Apologise to her for not showing more insight and not trying harder to accommodate her resentment. True, Paloma may have still rejected Ian, but I think you were too dismissive of Paloma at the time. Apologise, please!
Sue: She was difficult and got into all sorts of trouble. Then she left home and led a life that was nothing like the one we brought her up to live. It meant shame on our family.
Oliver: I know all of this and accepted her past when I met her. She is now a fine wife and mother, despite her not making everything from scratch as you so adroitly point out.
Sue: Well, I'll talk to Ian about what you've said.
Oliver: Thank you. And be assured that Lucas and Nikita are not and never will be bargaining chips. That will make any apology you make genuine, not extracted.
Oliver and Sue hug and after a couple of hours, the Rogers trio return home. Oliver explains to Paloma what transpired and she looks at Oliver as if to say, "Good luck with that outcome".
A few days pass and there is a knock at the door of the Rogers, quite late at night. Oliver opens the door to find Ian and Sue standing there. They come in and sit in the living room. Paloma is ill at ease but also sits.
Sue: Ian and I have talked it over and maybe our comparing you with your sister was unfair, She was younger and didn't really know her biological father, making her more at ease with Ian's arrival. We should have tried harder to help you adjust, Paloma. We are both sorry and want you to understand that we love you.
Sue: Ian and I have talked it over and maybe our comparing you with your sister was unfair, She was younger and didn't really know her biological father, making her more at ease with Ian's arrival. We should have tried harder to help you adjust, Paloma. We are both sorry and want you to understand that we love you.
Paloma breaks down and there isn't a dry eye in the room. Sue and Ian come over to hug Paloma. Even Lucas and Nikita come out of their bedrooms to see what the fuss is about. They all then sit down.
Paloma composes herself: And no more criticism of my way of cooking?
Sue: That will be hard but no, I'll bite my tongue.
Everyone settles down to a happy evening, the family tension gone. Even Lucas and Nikita get to have a late night.
Paloma composes herself: And no more criticism of my way of cooking?
Sue: That will be hard but no, I'll bite my tongue.
Everyone settles down to a happy evening, the family tension gone. Even Lucas and Nikita get to have a late night.
All children, even adult ones, want the love of their parents. Parents have more experience and maturity, so it's nice if that moves them to be the first to extend the olive branch.
Even if it cannot be resolved like this, never use grandkids as leverage, he reflects. He feels strongly about the need to keep grandchildren out of any conflict that adults have.
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